E+LEARNING+FOR+SEPTEMBER+HOLIDAYS


 * Hi PUPILS OF P4 RESILIENT, **
 * **__ This is your e-lesson FOR E-LEARNING. IF YOU CANT DO THIS TODAY, PLEASE DO THE WORK BY THIS WEEK. __**
 * __ THE EARLY BIRD CATCHES THE WORM. SO THERE WILL BE A PRIZE FOR THE FIRST 5 STUDENTS WHO START WORK ON THIS WIKISPACE. __**
 * __ A PRIZE WILL ALSO BE GIVEN TO THE ONCE WHO GAVE THE BEST CONTRIBUTIONS. SO GET GOING! __**
 * __ JUST ADD YOUR COMMENTS AND THOUGHTS ON THIS SAME PAGE. Dont forget to include your name. __**
 * 1) ** Read the notes for the lesson: What thoughts are in the heads of the characters? **
 * 2) ** Contribute ‘your thoughts’ . **
 * 3) ** You should also comment on the ‘thoughts’ of your classmates. **
 * 4) ** Each student should add at least 3 contributions and 3 comments. **
 * 5) ** Each time you write, put your name in brackets next to your contribution or comment. **
 * 6) ** Read everyone’s ‘thoughts’ and comments’ **
 * 7) ** Lastly, __write a composition of your own, based on the picture given,making sure that you include ‘thoughts’.__ **
 * 8) **__ Hand in your composition on Monday, 12 September. It should be handwritten, on foolscap paper. __** ||

=**__ NOTES FOR THE LESSON: __**=

==**For composition writing, we do not write a ‘continuous flow of perceptions, thoughts and feelings’, we just add a thought or two to get the reader to ‘feel’ for the person or situation the person is in.**==


 * EXAMPLE 1 (taken from a book):**

// Up ahead, the flame of a streetlight hung in the midst of the //// Londonf //// og like some kind of giant spirit. ////__ She hated the lights at night. They were too much like eyes watching her. Always watching. __//// She broke out of the crooked skipping pace in which she had been running and shot a glance around the street for something to throw at the light. //

** Comments: The reader might also think why the character was frightened by the streetlights. The character may be doing something secretive and imagined that the streetlights were watching her. (Hu Yang) ** My comments: The thoughts of the character make the reader suspicious. The reader wants to know what the smell was. What was the lady up to? What would happen to the man. my thoughts: Why did neither of them speak. why did the lady have to look at billy so mysteriously(Ryan) Comments: Why did he not recognise the smell, because it was too faint, because he forgotten or what? (Huang J.C.) My thoughts: He seemed to be familiar with the smell but he was not sure what it reminded him of. Was it something that happened long ago that caused him to have a faint memory of the smell? (Nicole) My comments: The smell could have reminded him of the familiar scent of a family member's authentic cooking prepared for a special occasion. (Alethea) My comments: Maybe he had been kidnapped and brought somewhere and he remembers a bit of what the place smells like.(Marcus) Maybe she had done a lot of bad things and the lights were eyes that were keeping track of her every movement.(Marvin) Maybe she was used to living in the dark and the light simply annoyed her(Marvin) || My comments: Maybe one of his family members had met with an accident before, so the smell reminded him of the corridors of a hospital. He found the smell very familiar, but could not identify the source of the smell.( Joon Khai)
 * ** Thoughts expressed by the character: ‘She hated the lights at night. They were too much like eyes watching her. Always watching.’ **
 * My comments: The thoughts above tell you what the character was thinking when she saw the streetlight. From her thoughts, the reader feels that the streetlight was like a human stalking her. After reading the thoughts of the character, the reader may feel as frightened as the character. **
 * Comments: The character maybe carrying out something illegal, due to certain reasons, that would arouse the suspicions of the public. Her conscience may have made her feel scared and nervous. Or either she is the kind of person who did not like being watched and valued her privacy very much. Kind of like a hermit. :|)(Yin Peng) **
 * Comments: The character's family members could have done illegal things on the same street before, and she felt scared of walking there.(Fang Ying) **
 * Comments: Maybe the street she was walking at had some recent robberies, and she was afraid of being robbed.(Fang Ying) **
 * My thoughts: Why was she running along the street?Maybe she was running from someone and wanted to throw something at the light so that she would be less visible.(Ryan) **
 * Comments: Maybe she was afraid of the place because it was haunted, or she herad a blood-curdling scream somewhere. (Huang J.C.) **
 * My thoughts: Maybe she had gone through a traumatic experience of being followed and attacked, and she was afraid of being alone and seen by her potential "attackers". (Nicole) **
 * Comments: maybe the lights reminded her of something unpleasent that happened to her.(Alethea) **
 * She might have been smugling and was afraid robbers or police would find her and steal her things or send her to jail so she wanted to get rid of the lights.(Marcus) **
 * Comments: Maybe she had a tragic experience along that street at night and the streetlights reminded her of that experience. (Joon Khai) **
 * Comments: She might have been smuggling and was afraid robbers or police would find her and steal her things or send her to jail so she wanted to get rid of the lights.(Marcus) **
 * Comments: Maybe she had just killed someone and felt that his/her spirit was glaring at her. (Shang Wen) **
 * My thoughts: I do not think that she committed a crime, or did something wrong, etc. as she hated the lights at night. It could have been the lights reminded her of something unpleasant. She hated the lights at night --> She ALWAYS hated the lights at night? (Chloe)﻿ **
 * Example 2 (taken from another story)**
 * // Billy started sipping his tea. She did the same. For half a minute or so, neither of them spoke. But Billy knew that she was looking at him. Her body was half turned toward him, and he could feel her eyes resting on his face, watching him over the rim of her teacup. Now and again, he caught a whiff of a peculiar smell that seemed to emanate directly from her person. It was not in the least unpleasant, and __it reminded him – well, he wasn’t quite sure what it reminded him of. Pickled walnuts? New leather? Or was it the corridors of a hospital?__ //** || ** Thoughts expressed by the character: **
 * … ** it reminded him – well, he wasn’t quite sure what it reminded him of. Pickled walnuts? New leather? Or was it the corridors of a hospital?

PICTURE FOR DISCUSSION AND COMPOSITION WRITING:



In this picture, 3 boys got into trouble. Why were they up on the tree? Why was the dog growling at them? What happened next?

Write what the boys were thinking of at that point of time. The focus for this discussion is the thoughts. The boy lowest down on the trunk of the tree is Eric. Joe is the one on the left and Handy is the one highest up on a branch.

You may write the thoughts of any of the characters. You may use the ‘thoughts’ of your classmates and continue the same trend of thoughts. Remember, your thoughts should not be silly and disconnected.

They must make the reader understand the situation better. What was the predicament they were in? What did they imagine might happen to them?

You could also write the thoughts of the owner who came out of the house. Along with the thoughts, you need to include their actions. Don’t hesitate to write more so that the thoughts you add make sense.

COMMENT BY MRS KOH at 12.12am (Tuesday) Dear students of P4 Resilient, Many of you are doing a great job contributing ideas in the form of thoughts. I think it is getting along fine although some people have not started yet. When you argued about whether the dog was a stray, it depends on where the tree was and the reason for the boys stranded on the tree. Did they wander into a compound that is out of bounds, which means they were trespassing? Why did the dog bark at them? Was it a watch dog? Did the boys act on a dare to climb the tree? Were there fruits they wanted to pick? Did they disturb the dog and it chased them and to avoid the dog they climbed the tree? Whichever storyline you take will make everything fall into place. Keep going and do read your classmates' contributions. You can use of their ideas or thoughts in your composition. Mrs Koh :) __ // This is my comment: // __

__ // Handy sat trembling. His mother had told him not to do such foolish things like climbing a tree. What would she do to him?...(Mrs Koh) // __

__ // Let’s see what you can write. We are writing from an omniscient or 3rd person point of view. That means we can write the thoughts of any character. // __

__ // Let’s see who starts the ball rolling…You may pick up ideas from here to use in the written work that you hand in next Monday.:) // __ _ Comment: Good use of describing words but can explain what happened before this. (Hu Yang) Comment 2: Good phrase. Describes the feelings of Eric clearly. But can add more details like maybe how he was reacting physically, not just mentally.(Yin Peng)  Comment 3: Your phrase is effective in describing Eric's mentality. But add more of his reactions and how did Handy and Joe were feeling and reacting.(Anders) Comment 4: Could add more details on how Eric felt.(Marvin)
 * 1)Eric was frightened. He could not bear to think of what could happen if he fell into the jaws of the dog below him. (Sun I)**
 * 2)Fear clutched its icy fingers round Eric's heart. (Kai En) **

Comment 1: I do not think that Eric would have time to think about the negative thoughts as he would be busy thinking and trying hard to save himself and climb up that tree.(Anders) Comment: I agree with Anders. Maybe you should say something like he could not think of any idea to save him and his friends and lost all hope. Something like that. (Nicole) Comment on comment: Nicole, isn't losing all hope negative?
 * 3)Cold beads of sweat trickled down Eric's cheeks. What if... What if he fell? Tears came into his eyes as he tried to get the negative thoughts out of his mind. (Chloe) **


 * 4)Eric was paralysed by fear. If he fell... No, it was too horrible to think about. He could almost hear his heart pounding. (Hu Yang) **


 * 5)Handy clung tight to the branch. Why didn't he listen to his mother? If he did, they would not be in this state now. How he wished she had listen to her advice. But it was too late. (Hu Yang) **

Comment: Can somebody really think positive when they have aferocious dog staring at them in the face.(Marvin)
 * 6)Eric was immobilised with fear as his face turned as pale as a sheet of paper. His blood ran cold at the thought of falling into the mouth of the dog. Beads of perspiration formed on his forehead. "No, I won't fall, I won't.Think calmly. I'll be fine,"Eric murmered to himself. (Yin Peng) **

// Comment: Being ripped apart is too murderous for a composition. (Qin Ruo)﻿ // // Comment: //__"He closed his eyes as images of himself being ripped apart by the dog started creeping into his head"__ The dog isn't so deadly. (Hu Yang) Comment: I agree with Hu Yang and Qin Ruo, at most he would only be injured, the dog would not be so cunning to rip him apart.( Joon Khai)
 * 7)Eric's hands were hot and sweaty. Don't look down. Don't look down. He clung onto the branches tightly, his muscles screaming with pain. What would happen if he fell off the tree? He doubted the dog would let him go. He closed his eyes as images of himself being ripped apart by the dog started creeping into his head, like a parasite invading a host. (Sun I) **

Comment: You should change "Dad" to "Father". (Hu Yang)
 * 8)Eric willed himself mentally to stop thinking of all the negative thoughts about the dog pouncing on him, him falling onto the ground and fracturing/breaking his bones, falling prey to the jaws of the dog... Take deep breaths... For once, this technique of removing all negative thoughts and energy seemed to help him to stay calm. He was really going to thank his Dad for teaching him this technique. That was if he managed to climb down the tree in one piece. //That dog// looked blood-thirsty. And dangerous. The dog walked around the tree slowly and stared up at Eric, Handy and Joe with eyes of flames that were going to scorch them all. What was he to do now? (Yin Peng)**

Comment: The sentence "the large and sharp teeth of the stray dog looked nasty" can be improved on. (Sun I) Comment 2: It is not a stray. Evidence- it is wearing a collar. Strays don't wear collars.(Kai En) Comment 3: Right, strays usually don't wear collars, but KE, it could be an abandoned dog and the owner (maybe) simply did not have the patience to take the collar off the dog. It can be possible, right?... I think " or their best friend would never survive" sounds more like a horror story. To make it sound not so horrendous, you should change "would never survive" into "may not survive". (Yin Peng) Comment 4: I think that since Handy and Joe are already quite safe (as dogs don't climb trees) and they really treasure the best friend so much, I think that they should help Eric up the tree to make more sense.( Anders
 * 9)Handy and Joe stared anxiously at their best friend kicking wildly trying to get himself up the tree. They were paralysed with fear. What should they do now? The large and sharp teeth of the stray dog looked nasty... They crossed their fingers and hoped that Eric's sweat-drenched hands would be strong enough to push him upwards, or their best friend would never survive. (Chloe) **

Comment: Grammar error. It should be "He **had** already**....."** Sun I
 * 10)Joe trembled with immense fear. He had already dropped a shoe which landed right in front of the stray. What is he going to drop next? Probably himself... Below him, Eric was kicking wildy, and the tree was literally shaking. "I'm going to kill Handy for this!" Joe thought furiously as he quickly clung onto the tree even more tightly than ever. (Chloe)﻿ **

**‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍11)‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍Eric clung on for dear life. He was already about to fall. The stray dog bared its teeth and prepared to pounce on to Eric. He trembled and hoped that his wet hands would keep him from falling into the mouth of the dog. (Amanda)** Comment: You should try add some more details to these sentences to enhance the content of the story. The 'already' in the second sentence seems redundant, as the rest of the sentence sends the same message as when 'already' is placed in the sentence. Maybe you could say,'Eric **gripped** **the tree trunk, so tightly as though it was gold,** for **his** dear life. He was about to fall. **The ground looked like it was a hundred metres away from where he was.** The stray dog bared its teeth **menacingly** and prepared to pounce on to Eric. He trembled and hoped that his wet**, clammy** hands would keep him from falling into the **jaws** of the **stray**' I think that your idea is great, actually! But the dog could be a stray, or either the Tans' pet dog(Yin Peng) Comment: I don't think it is a stray dog. Firstly, it has a collar around its neck. Secondly, there is a kennel nearby. (Shang Wen)


 * 12)Handy held on to a V-shaped branch to support himself. Right below his feet was Eric, kicking wildly. He looked like he would loosen his grip and drop anytime soon. He was filled with remorse as he watched Eric struggle. If only he had listened to his mother, nothing would have happened. (Amanda) ‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍ ‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍ ‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍ **

Comment : Joe was unlikely to be thinking about scolding Handy as he was in danger of falling. (Shang Wen)
 * 13)Joe kicked and accidentally dropped a shoe. It clunked the dog on its nose. The dog growled and seemed like it would pounce on them anytime. Despite him being the one who dropped the shoe, Joe was still furious with Handy for getting them into this state. (Amanda) **

Comment: What was __"the little voice"__? Explain. E.g. __...the little voice that had told him...__ (Hu Yang) Comment: Eric was trying to hold a branch as one wrong move would make dog lunch. If he had listened to his parent's advice not to climb trees he would not have got into this trouble, he would still be at home safe and sound without a fierce dog snapping at he heels.(Debbra)
 * 14)Eric was trying to hold a branch as one wrong move would make dog lunch. If he had listened to the little voice in his head, he would not have got into this trouble. (Shang Wen)﻿﻿ **

Comments: Why think? Why not say?( Kai En) Comment 2: If the dog is a stray (unlikely), how did Mr Tan know 'Dingo'? And to be exact, knowing the dog so well means that Mr Tan has made Dingo his companion, most likely. (Yin Peng) Comment on Yin Peng's comment: I don't think the dog is a stray. You can see that the dog has a collar, which most strays don't have and there is also a kennel nearby, and the dog most likely stays in it. (Hu Yang) Comment on comment on Yin Peng's comment: Yes, I agree. But there is still a chance that this dog was abandoned and Mr Tan just built a temporary home for Dingo. (Huang J.C.)
 * 15)Mr Tan chuckled when he saw the boys' anxious expressions." How silly," he thought, " Dingo isn't﻿ going to hurt them, his bark is worse than his bite." (Qin Ruo) **

Comment: The picture does not show that Joe threw down the shoe on purpose and this statement therefore is incorrect.( Sun I) Comment on Sun I's comment: It is not totally incorrect, it is just incorrect on the fact that Joe threw down his shoe. (Amanda) Comment: In my opinion, I think that Joe threw his shoe down either to distract the dog or to use the shoe as a weapon against the dog to hit it.(Anders) Comment: i think Joe did not throw the shoe down but instead, it slipped from his foot and dropped onto the ground.(Alethea) Comment: Qin Ruo, you say "threw down" as if Joe threw the shoe down with his //hands.// If he had let go just one arm for a few seconds, then he would have fell, would he not? Comment: I agree, he would not be so strong to support himself with only one hand, he would fall even before he could reach his shoes.( Joon Khai) Comment: Can change threw down his shoes to 'kick down his shoe'. (Shang Wen) Comment: I don't think 'kick' is very appropriate to use here.(Bryan)
 * 16) Joe threw down one of his shoes, hoping that it would distract the dog so that they could climb down.(Qin Ruo) **

Comment: How did they know that the elderly couple will save/help them?Maybe the elderly couple were walking in the opposite directions.(Debbra) Comment: I think that the elderly couple will not be able to save them as they are most likely passers-by and would also be afraid of the dog since it is so fierce and menacing.(Anders) Comment:I dont think Eric even thinks he is safe enough to shoot a look at Joe, he would be more focused on saving himself from the dog. (Marcus)
 * 17) As one of Joe's shoes dropped from the tree, the dog sprang up trying to catch the shoe. Fearing that the dog would try to pull him down the tree by his foot, Joe hastily clambered up the tree, pushing Handy down to the lower branches. Handy shot Joe a glare and climbed to one of the stronger and sturdier looking branches cautiously, praying that the branch he stepped on would not give way. After a minute, Handy shifted his full body weight to the branch, thinking that the branch would hold his weight. CREAKK.... The branch Handy was stepping off snapped. Joe smirked," Look at who's the clumsy one". Eric shot Joe a look that told him to shut up, or else. Handy carefully stepped onto another branch. Fortunately, this branch was able to hold his weight. He breathed deeply and gave a sigh of relief. After what seemed like eternities, the boys heard voices of an elderly couple. Phew, they said," we're gonna be saved!" (Yin Peng) **

Comment: To improve, write more about the character's feelings and thoughts. (Hu Yang)
 * 18) Eric could feel his arms slowly giving way. He scrabbled for another branch, hoping to grab hold of it before he fell. (Qin Ruo) **

Comment: "Comrades" seem too formal for a composition like this. (Yin Peng)
 * 19) Eric could fell his arm muscles slowly giving way, scrabbling for another branch ,he hoped to grap hold of it before he fell. He shot a look of utter desperation at his two comrades hoping that they will help him but will no luck as Handy and Joe would not risk helping him as they might fall of their branch.(Debbra) **

Comments: Eric did not climb the tree(or so I think). (Kai En) Comment on Kai En's comment: Eric did climb the tree, but to escape from the dog.(Amanda) Comments: I think that the boys climbed the tree thinking it will be fun but the dog rushed at them while they were climbing it and they panicked and they started to climb the tree to get away from a ferocious dog.(Debbra) Maybe dingo was a neighbour's dog. the boys passed by their neighbour's house saw dingo and ran away as it had a bad reputation of chasing people. dingo thought they were playing with it and so ran after them. the boys were so scared that they scrambled up the tree.(Ryan) Comment : Why would the dog be barking so fiercely then? If it though they were playing a game it would be having a sad look or something like that. (Shang Wen)
 * 20) Handy held his breath while Eric tried to scramble up the tree. He was filled with guilt for putting his friends into this situation. He saw Joe's shoe drop, and decided later to reprimand Joe for enraging the dog further. If he survived. Pushing that thought out of his head, Handy turned his field of vision towards Eric. Eric was losing the battle. It seemed that he was going to fall at any moment. His sweat drenched body made it easier to slip off the tree. (Sun I) **

Comment: Can improve by writing about what the characters were thinking about. (Hu Yang) Comment: Try to write what the bread was for. (Amanda) Comment: Try to write about the characters' feelings and thoughts, try to also write more about the purpose of the bread.( Joon Khai)
 * 21) Just then, Mrs Tan came out and saw what was happening. Quickly, she rushed into the house get some buns while the three boys clung on there like statues. (Shang Wen) **

Comment: "Hollered" is informal. (Hu Yang) Comment on comment: "Hollered" is not informal but just a fancy way to say shout.
 * 22) Mrs Tan hollered for her husband and called for a few neighbours to gather at the tree in front of her house. Within minutes, men came rushing to the boys' rescue. She took some of her dog's favourite food and waved them in front of its nose, distracting her dog.Using the dog food as the bait, the dog took one sniff at the food. That was all it needed. The dog folowed Mrs Tan until they reached its custom-built kennel. She tossed the food into it kennel and shut, and bolted the arched, little door hinged on the kennel. (YIn Peng)**

Comment: If Dingo is untrained, there is a high chance that Dingo would try to bite someone to stop itself from being dragged away. (Yin Peng) Comment: The boys would not be slow in making their way down the tree as they would still be traumatised by what just happened and run away as fast as they can. (Nicole)
 * 23) Mrs Tan hollered for her husband and called for a few male neighboures to gather at the tree in front of her house too help the boys down from the tree. Within minutes, men came to the boys' rescue.Since Dingo was untrained, the male neighbours help to drag him off the tree, Mrs Tan lead him away from the tree and into his kennel where she tossed a treat in and Dingo went inside falling for the bait. With a click the kennel door was latched and the boys finally made their slow way down the tree.(Debbra)**


 * 24) Eric was desperately trying to hold on to a branch as one move and he would either break his bones or get bitten by Dingo. He would be safe and sound at home had he listened to his parents' advice. Meanwhile, his mother was getting some buns in an attempt to distract Dingo. (Shang Wen)**

comment: why was Hadly sent to the hospital? i thought he just fell from a tree and he would only get minor cuts and bruises?(Debbra) comment: maybe it was a tall tree and handy had fractured his arm from the fall.(ryan) Comment: The tree looks like the height equivalent of 3 and 1/4 times the average height of the boys. It isn't that high. (Yin Peng) Comment: Wound Dingo not be able to hear Handy fall and go after Handy again since there would have been a loud crash from the leaves of the branch when it landed ?(Marcus)
 * 25) Just when Handy was out of his wits, the branch he was holding on to creaked and he fell to the ground. Luckily, Dingo had went the other way to his mother. His mother had saw everything and so she had brought out buns to distract Dingo and Dingo fell for it. Joe and Eric made their way down while Handy was sent to the hospital. (Shang Wen)**

Comment: Repitition of names. Eg. "Dingo and Dingo" can be changed to "Dingo and it". (Hu Yang)
 * 26) Handy and Joe decided to have a tree-climbing competion and had climbed halfway when one of their classmates, Eric, threw a stone at their dog, Dingo and Dingo was chasing after Eric. Eric was so scared he climbed up the tree that Joe and Handy were climbing on. Dingo came at the bottom at the tree and started barking. Joe was so scared he dropped a shoe. Eric had only managed to climb in an unstable position on the trunk and was desperately trying to hold on to a branch. (Shang Wen)**

Comment:I thought that Joe dropped a shoe by accident when he was scrabbling for a foothold?(Debbra)
 * 27) Joe thought of an idea for Eric to be safe, he had to do it as it was him that caused Eric to be in danger. he shook his feet and the shoe drop before dingo. "Yes!" he thought. dingo had been distracted by the crocs and had began to chew it. Joe quickly beckoned for Eric to climb up to the sturdier upper branch.(ryan)**

Comment: How could a chance that Eric could fall directly into the jaws of the dog? (Rachel)
 * 28) Eric was clinging onto the tree trunk with his dear life. His heart ricocheted against his ribcage. Using his last inch of his strength to hold on to tree trunk, he could not bear the thought of himself from falling into the jaws of the of the terrible dog.(Anders)**

Comment: At that point of time, the dog could not even reach Eric, so if handy extended his arm, the dog would not be able to reach his arm. (Chloe) Comment: Is his precious arm more important than his friend? (Bryan)
 * 29) Handy clung on there, on the highest branch, looking dumbfoundedly at his best friend, Eric,struggling to climb up the tree but to no avail. He wanted so very much help Eric up the tree but the jaws of the menacing dog looked like it could rip his hand clean off with a swipe of its jaws if Handy extended his precious arm.(Anders)**

Comment: There are 2 'black out's and it sounds a little repetitive. (Huang J.C.) Comment: Can the throwing of the shoe at the dog cause it to black out totally? (Rachel) Respond to comment: I think that you cannot knock a dog out by just throwing a shoe. (Marvin)
 * 30) Joe's mind was blocked. He was usually the clever one who had good ideas. But looking at the ferocious dog, his mind blacked out in an instant. Joe concentrated on how to save Eric. Fortunately, a brainwave stuck him. He aimed his shoe at the dog's eye. "Wham!" the shoe landed squarely on the dog's head. The dog blacked out almost instantly. With a sigh of relief, Joe extended his arm to help Eric up onto a higher branch.(Anders)**

Comment: Very good imagination and the story is interesting :) but I think the ending could be further elaborated. (Nicole) Comment: How did the dog get distracted for so long that there is enough time for the boys to escape? (Rachel) Respond to comment: The dog was trying to rip the shoe up, so it gave the boys time to run. (Huang JC) Respond to respond of comment: I don't think the dog will rip the shoe. Even though he ripped up the shoe, they still will not have enough time to escape. (Bryan)
 * 31) Eric's movement was hindered by the thought of falling into the dog's mouth. He gathered all the strength he could muster and tried to pull himself up but was blocked by Handy's shoe. Joe was trying to kick the dog away from Eric but he could not reach the dog, and the dog snapped at him with its sharp teeth. Suddenly, as though he intended to do it all along, Joe flung his shoe at the dog. The dog was distracted and the three boys jumped down from the tree and ran as though the never ran before. (Huang J.C.)**

Comment: i don't think that eric and handy have the time to climb down the tree and start running away from the dog. dogs are fast and it would have seen eric and handy climbing down the tree.(Ryan) Comment:I think Eric and Handy know they will not be able to escape the dog even if they climb down the tree. Therefore, they are desperately clinging onto the tree.(Alethea) Comment: I agree with both Alethea and Ryan. Even if the dog was distracted, it would only last for a few seconds. By then, the dog would have noticed they were escaping. (Chloe)
 * 32) The ferocious dog snarled and jumped up a few feet into the air, missing Eric's foot just by the thickness of hair! Eric mustered all his strength and held on to the the tree trunk, hopelessly kicking his legs about. He felt as if Death was at his doorstep, chatting with him as if they were old friends. This was far by the most terrifying and traumatic experience he had ever encountered. Feeling weaker by the second, Eric slowly lost all hope of survival in him.**
 * Meanwhile, Joe was sweating buckets, desperately trying to think of some way to help his best friend. Just as he was about to give up, he suddenly had a brainwave. Flinging one of his shoe at the dog, he called out to Eric and Handy to get down and run as fast as they can away from the dog. (Nicole)**

Comment: I feel that when people read this story, they would not be interested to read on as it does not capture the mood and tension of the story. Try to be more explicit in your writing. (Nicole) Comment: Too vague; try to use more phrases and idioms for a more dramatic story. (Huang JC)
 * 33)The boys hung on for their dear lives on top of the tree precariously. They wondered if they could hold on long enough until the dog got tired of waiting. Eric struggled. He hoped that he would not slip and fall right in front of the dog. He did not know what to do otherwise. Eric noticed there were some people nearby and shouted for help repeatedly, hoping that they would come to his rescue. (Rachel)**

Comment: Second and third sentence can be synthesized into 'Meanwhile, Eric was trying hard to get up to the branches, in a very dangerous position.
 * 34) The dog snarled and startled the boys so much that Joe dropped his shoe. Meanwhile, Eric was trying hard to get up to the branches. Eric was in a very dangereous position. If he could not go on the branch in time, his hands would give way and he would fall on the ground and be attacked by the dog. (Bryan)**

Comment: Handy might not have enough strength to pull Eric up the tree as Eric was holding his leg. (Bryan)
 * 35)"Mummy,save me!" Eric shouted for help as tears streamed down his face.He could not imagine what would happen to him if he fell and used all his strength to try pull himself up and his legs were kicking wildly. Handy realised his friend was in greater danger than he was in and stretched out his leg and Eric grabbed onto it and climbed onto a higher branch. Eric felt greatly relieved and thanked Handy. (Marcus)**


 * 36) Soon, the owner of the dog, Dingo and other men came and carried the dog back and one man held is mouth together as they carried Dingo to the kennel and they threw a treat inside and Dingo was distracted. when this happened, the boys felt a great sense of relief and came down slowly from the tree so as not to fall. The boys parents came and scolded the boys for being so playful. The boys apologised to Dingo's owner for disturbing his dog and him and their parents thanked the men who saved them.(Marcus)**

Comment: Are you sure that the branch that Joe is on is the longest? (Bryan)
 * 37) The dog barked suddenly and chased the three boys up a tree. They were trapped! Handy, with his agility, managed to climb to the highest branch. Joe, also a good climber, went to the longest branch, albeit inches away from the jaws of the dog. Eric, on the other hand with his clumsy limbs, was only able to put two hands around the lowest branch and his legs hugged around the trunk. (Huang J.C.)**

Comments:Try adding more idioms and phrases to improve your story.(Marcus) Comment: Maybe you shouldn't use 'He then' too many times. (Nicole)
 * 38) Eric sat paralyzed in fear. He could not bear to think of what would happen to him if he fell into the piercing jaws of the huge hound dog below him. He then screamed hysterically, " Help! Help save me!" He then struggled to grab onto the branches above him.( Joon Khai)**

Comment: You use the 'He then' a lot of times. Try using other words to connect the sentences.(Nicole) Comment: Handy is on the top branch. He cannot possibly be grabbing another branch. (Shang Wen) Comment: The branch on the top of the tree is usually the sturdiest. You can't find a sturdier branch than the top branch on the tree. (Bryan)
 * 39) Handy's hands, trembling in fear, were trying to grasp for a more sturdier branch. He then prayed that he would not fall and be bitten by the dog; he could almost hear his fearful heart beating against his ribcage.( Joon Khai)**


 * 40) Oh no! Eric thought as he felt his hands slipping of the branch he was holding onto. He knew that the branch would break any minute and he had no choice but to let go. Fortunately, Handy mustered all his strength to pull Eric up. " Oh thank you so much Handy!" Eric exclaimed to Handy.( Joon Khai)**

Comment: Why did the dog chase them? (Nicole) Comment: He was not struggling on the tree at all. (Bryan)
 * 41) "It is after us!" Eric exclaimed to his two friends. The boys turned to see the dog chasing them and they ran as fast as their legs could carry them."Climb up the tree." said Handy, who was the best climber in their neighbourhood. The boys listened and climbed up the tree. Eric had not climbed trees before and he was struggling, and he was afraid that the dog may jump up and pull him down. Afraid that the same might happen, Joe climbed onto a higher branch and while struggling, he dropped a shoe which landed on the dog's head. This caused the dog to start barking and growling more loudly.(Marcus)**


 * 42) Joe shut his eyes. "Think! Think! THINK!" What could he do to a least help Eric a little? Just then, an idea struck him. Shaking his lower part of his leg wildly, he tried to get his Converse shoe out. "Plunk!" Well, that should have distracted the dog a little... Dingo did not seem to care. Continuing barking ferociously at poor Eric, Joe swore that Dingo (and Eric) was shaking the entire tree, with the leaves rustling, and it was not the wind. (Chloe)**


 * 43) Handy, Joe and Eric definitely regretted it. Who would not? Out of boredom, the trio had pulled the Labrador's, Dingo's, tail and even threw pebbles at it. Glaring at them with venom and malice shining in its eyes, Dingo had chased them up a tree. (Chloe)**

Comment: The dog is not so dangerous. (Marcus)
 * 44) Eric was holding on for dear life. He knew that if he fell, the dog would rip him to pieces. All Eric knew he could do was come up with a plan or just hold on or wait for somebody's assistance.(Marvin)**


 * 45) Handy looked down at the ferocious dog. He knew in his heart that he had the position furthest away from the dog. But he also knew that it was still far from safe.(Marvin)**


 * 46) Joe looked at the branch that he was clinging on to for dear life. It looked sturdy enough but if it broke then he knew that he would definitely have met his fate. If he did not lose his life when he fell down to the ground, the dog most definitely would have dealed the fatal blow.(Marvin)**


 * Amanda ||  ||
 * Kai En ||  ||
 * Chloe ||  ||
 * Nicole ||  ||
 * Rachel ||  ||
 * Debbra ||  ||
 * Qin Ruo ||  ||
 * Yin Peng ||  ||
 * Alethea ||  ||
 * Fang Ying ||  ||
 * Bryan ||  ||
 * Marcus ||  ||
 * Marvin ||  ||
 * Hu Yang ||  ||
 * Jia Can ||  ||
 * Ryan ||  ||
 * Anders ||  ||
 * Shang Wen ||  ||
 * Joon Khai ||  ||
 * Sun I ||  ||